Matching what’s important with reality
Balancing what’s important on the inside—in our hearts and minds—with our understanding of the world outside is no easy task.
We might deceive ourselves as to what really matters or what’s relevant to us – or maybe we just don’t know.
We also might be deceiving ourselves about the reality of the world around us. Sometimes we put blinders on or wish things weren’t the way they are.
This dawned on me when I went for a walk recently with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. Emily had a sad story to share. One of her beloved horses, Banff, had tried to jump a fence over the winter and missed, breaking his leg. He had to be put down. It broke her heart.
“Don’t they make casts for horses?” I asked.
She informed me that Banff was a thoroughbred. Between his skittish temperament and exacting bone structure, he couldn’t heal himself.
Emily explained that the process of breeding horses has gone too far. Because of overbreeding, today’s racehorses are way more fragile than they used to be. Optimized for performance, they lack overall resilience.
She said it is the reason so many horses are having serious accidents during races. But the industry keeps engineering ever more high-performance racehorses that are on the edge, both physically and psychologically. She thought the situation deplorable.
But she told me she wanted a new horse, and for her, it needed to be a thoroughbred. She loved their spirit and grace and had spent her entire life riding them. But now she couldn’t bring herself to buy one knowing how precarious their health had become after years of overbreeding.
An Inner Battle
Emily was experiencing an inner conflict. The world of riding she had known all her life was shifting under her. She cherished the deep connection between horse and rider and the exhilaration of riding. But what was she to do?
Knowing my interest in meaning and purpose, she asked me what I thought.
I suggested that her understanding of reality had become detached from the truth. The world she had been living in—a happy world of thoroughbreds and riders—had shifted. And it was a truth she didn’t like. Her inner desire and reality were in conflict.
I pointed out to her that being a vegetarian, she was already concerned about animal welfare. But until Banff’s accident, she had a blind spot when it came to thoroughbreds. Perhaps she had been in denial of their predicament. And the more she got her head around the new reality, the greater her sadness.
A Disconnect Between Desire and Reality
Emily’s disconnect between desire and reality is something we all experience.
Sometimes, this disconnect is caused by sudden changes in our circumstances. At other times, things simply drift away from where they used to be.
In most cases, there’s an underlying pattern—the dissociation of what we believe and hold to be relevant and important to us with what is really going on. It’s the relevance versus reality conundrum that we notice when life veers dramatically. This can manifest through a medical scare, the death of a loved one, or the loss of a job.
But change is the reality of life. We think things are going a certain way, but then something happens to steer us in a different direction.
Whenever there’s a shift in our reality, or we get a deeper understanding of our reality like in Emily’s case, we are forced to adapt and reconfigure our plans and hopes for the future.
That’s the downside. But there’s an upside, too. Each time reality shifts is also an opportunity to figure out what’s really important in our lives and match it to our new reality.
For Emily, she has to reconsider her relationship with riding. She must think about how relevant her inner desires and concerns are today in the face of how much her riding culture has changed over the years, and in her view, for the worse.
A Question of Balance
For all of us, privileged or otherwise, this conundrum can surface anytime when our reality no longer matches our desire. For example, just look at all the big issues shifting in our world today, everything from the immediate turmoil of the Covid-19 pandemic, to social upheaval, to potentially disastrous climate change.
Modifying our desires to adapt to what is real in the world is a constant process. It is the push-pull of reality and relevance. It’s about better understanding our world and reinterpreting our place in it.
It is sometimes a battle, as it is for Emily right now. She would like reality to fit her hopes and desires, but it obviously cannot, not in the way it used to. She must deal with her new understanding and act accordingly.
Matching Concerns with Reality
What about your life? What aspects of your world don’t match up? Where in your life do your passions or concerns not sync well with your interpretation of the reality around you?
In all our lives, economic, environmental, and technological change continue to disrupt past realities. Social and cultural changes of all types abound. Big and small, our realities are constantly shifting regardless of our wealth or circumstances.
Technology has changed the horse racing industry. As a result, Emily is now considering how to fulfill her passion for riding in a way that takes better care of the horses. I wonder what she’ll come up with?
If you’re feeling a bit conflicted like Emily, ask yourself: what aspects of your life do you need to reinterpret and reconnect with? The relevancy vs. reality conundrum is inherent to human existence and, as the world changes and evolves around us, this disparity needs more attention than ever.
Maybe you will find more peace of mind when you balance what’s relevant and important to you with the current reality in which you find yourself.
~ William Koty, CoFounder, Greater Meaning
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